Alright. A lot of my #truthursdays are light-hearted and silly. This one isn’t. Be forewarned.
Recently I’ve started to realize that there’s so much in my life that I will never do, not for lack of desire but for fear of failure. I am so terrified by failure that I would rather not try than try and fail. There are things in my life I am fairly decent at or could one day be alright at but I never pursue them because I’m deathly afraid of what people would say.
I’m not sure if I’ve always been like this; I’m inclined to say I have been.
Last night as Erlinda and I were driving back from San Diego, having seen Legally Blonde the Musical we were talking about childhood dreams and the things we wanted or want to do in life. I shared my silly little list with her: dancing on Broadway, rocket scientist, writer, actress, musician, and where I am these days… undecided. Since I was a wee one, I’ve loved arts. The thing about arts is that there is rarely a right or a wrong answer, it is all up to interpretation.. which is where I think my fear of failure comes in. It’s less of failure, I guess.. and rejection.
This cripples me, and so I never even try. Instead I sit creatively frustrated and longing to one day be surrounded by a group of people whose creativity match mine.. but I’m too scared to begin to weasel my way in.
I’m not sure if any of this makes sense. Just a lot of rambling.
But now I’m going to go meet up with my friend Sean, whom I haven’t seen in an incredibly long time. The weather here is beautiful. I’m in Oceanside, California. Google it and be jealous.
Nothing but my endless love.