An excerpt from my journal. This is concerning the preoccupation of my thoughts on a boy.
“I pray God will guide me through this; I am his beloved and he is jealous for my heart. Should I go on senselessly daydreaming about a boy I know little of, whether he is to be of value or not?
I will continue to lift [the boy] up to the Lord, but also myself. The Lord looks on me favorably and will act in a way that draws me closer to him. If I am to live a life secure in God’s future for me, then I do not need to be concerned about this matter. God will provide, whether this provision be fulfilled through someone already in my life or someone yet to come.
May my thoughts and heart be always turned towards God and his love. This, my only romance. He sought me out like an obsessed lover, longing to be worthy of my affection, and that my soul belong to him alone. What could any man offer to me that is even worthy of comparison? It is my prayer that I will reciprocate this desperation to my Lover; to be found worthy and find him willing to receive me.
Oh, that I would daily give him my hand in eternal marriage with eyes and heart for Him alone. Though he surprises me daily with flowers and chocolate and universal displays of affection, I have become an adulteress, whoring my heart and thoughts and body to anyone who should merely suggest it.
Was there ever a greater sinner than I, anyone more wretched and undeserving of such a perfect suitor?”