I’m home, in Washington. It’s good. It’s chilly, and I love it. Pictures will soon follow, but I’m at my dad’s house and am too lazy to get my computer out.
Today my dad came to pick me up. Since I love the piano and I never get to play one now that I’ve moved, I asked if I could play him some songs. He said sure and I pulled up a chair for him. When I finished the first song, I asked if he wanted to hear another and he said “of course.”
As I began playing the already emotional song “How He Loves,” I had this little vision where my dad was replaced by my Father, who said “of course,” because it is the delight of his heart to hear my little un-piano fingers stumble across the keys and my not really great voice strain for notes. From the moment I started singing until the end, I choked back tears. Less because of the song and more because every move I saw my dad make out of the corner of my eye turned into the Lord – tapping his foot, closing his eyes, listening with a fondness to the little gift he gave me and being delighted that I was sharing it back with him.
The rest of the evening was emotional, but I am feeling the sudden urgency to keep details private, to keep my family hidden and to keep my past preserved. There was a lot of silly little reminders that popped up about who I am and where I have come from.
We were eating dinner and I glanced at my phone and felt an overwhelming urge to call one of my friends, so I quickly dismissed myself, said I was going for a walk, and made a phone call. I found two beautiful leaves, got completely lost, almost got hit by a truck (that was being driven by my uncle!), and saw the hugest, fattest white turkey hanging out in someone’s yard. It was good.
In the constantly battle of my will, trying to figure out “should I stay or should I go now?” I knew that if I had really and truly surrendered myself to the Lord and said “I will stay in California, Lord help me to be faithful!” then a trip home would really test that. I e-mailed my roommates as I was waiting for the plane home and said I anticipated a week of content restlessness, which is what I am experiencing. I love it here, I love my friends and my family and the weather and the opportunity to sleep in sweats and not sweat.. but I anticipate my return, my time to plant myself.
and you know what, I hope one day everyone can be so fortunate to have two places that are so hard to leave. Leaving is hard, but it means that there is something worthwhile that’s grown there. and that, my friends, is alright with me.
More later. So much more later.
ps I defaulted back to an old blog layout because I am getting restless. One day I will upgrade to a custom css plan and my blog will rock the world. until then, enjoy the pink. It is a little glimpse into what my life is like, visually 😉