Last night as I was driving home, I felt this awful feeling deep within me. It could have been the tacos, it could have been another brief encounter with the never-ending stress… but I think mostly it was because I had this huge realization. I’d spent much of the day alone, trying to find a bookstore that ended up not being anywhere I looked because it moved to Long Beach. Then I had a good phone call with Lisa, dinner with Rachel, and was on my way home when I realized this.
More often than not, I function how I feel I am supposed to, not how I was created to. and I think a lot of people do that, too.
We live in a world that tells us we are never enough. And to be enough means that there’s stuff about us we need to attain. If we need to attain something, we are lacking. If we lack it, it must be important. If it must be important, then it must be essential. If it is essential, then I need to attain it. And so on and so forth.
All I want, all we really want, is to feel as if we are enough, that we have arrived at the best version of us we could possibly be at that moment in life. When we take the best versions of other people and try to stand next to them and be compared, we see our differences. We see the way people love them, compare it to the way people love us, and instead of working on being the best us, we try to be the best them, because we assume that the best them will also be the best us.
Most of my life has been lived here, I think. Most of me is not Stephanie, but it is a Stephanie catered to what will get her the most love from the most people. and I tried to make a plan for love, and I will tell you that some things are done best when they are done effortlessly. Love is done best when it is done with no sanity, no plan, no strategy, no sense.
There are a few people who know me intimately and yet still love me. Emily, Gretchen and Sarah. and the love I have for them surpasses the love for most anyone else in my life, because they embrace every part of me and I don’t ever become someone I am not to earn or deserve their love. Maybe that’s the beauty of it, that there’s limited availability of this kind of love.
Nonetheless, last night who I was created to be finally caught up to who I suppose I should be and I think they stood there staring at each other before who I was created to be sat on a rock and who I supposed I should be kept walking. Maybe the next encounter will spark a change.